Expert Contribution - When Your Employer Wants You to Resign Because You Just Became a Mom

I* had all the tools to feel my best postpartum. Or so I thought. Because I read all the books. I worked with therapists and coaches for most of my adult life. And I had done more inner work than most people I know in real life and on the internet. So, I thought I was ready for the challenge …and then I had my kid. And, let me tell you, postpartum was the most challenging season of my life and I’m just starting to wrap my head around how hard it really was.

This sentiment has been shared by so many women I’ve met and interviewed. Like me, they were shocked at how hard becoming a mother was and had no idea they would be that sleep-deprived, nutrient-deprived, and time-deprived and still expected to function at a high level in all areas of their lives. Yet, like me, they are – which is truly mad when you think about it. Because women are in survival mode during that postpartum period, and any doctor or scientist knows that when humans are trying to survive, it’s impossible to operate at their best.

Yet we expect this of new moms and all moms. Because, as a society, we’ve bought into the narrative that motherhood is a choice, and, thus, we have to figure out how to be a good mom and good at everything else society values (reading work, and making money). But we have to stop with this narrative. Because it’s killing us. Moms everywhere are getting sick and burning out from both the actual work of motherhood and the sacrifices we think we have to make to be a good mom.

And I’m not exaggerating about any of the above. To prove it, I want to share an interview with a mom I did this year. Because the woman highlighted in my story below lives in a country where strong laws exist to protect new moms and, yet, this is her story. My hope is when you read it, you’ll see that we still have a long row to hoe.

- - -

"I gave 200% to forget what was happening"​

When Rose (name changed) was hired, her bosses let it be known that it would be best if she didn’t get pregnant for at least two years.

“I was already trying to become a mom, but it wasn't working,” recounted Rose. “So, I got hired for this new, really great position at an organization that I really, really liked. One request that arose during the job interviews was: ‘It would be great if you didn’t get pregnant over the two coming years.’ The person who was hiring me also told me this twice. That's something I received four times before signing the contract and, although it made me aware that I was postponing my plans to start a family, I was like, ‘Okay, well, I can wait, I will assume this.”

After a couple of years passed, Rose and her husband decided to start trying again. They really wanted a family. Unfortunately, though, the journey to motherhood would be very, very difficult for Rose.

She had six miscarriages, multiple surgeries for a malformation in her uterus that was discovered after miscarriage no. 3, and a few rounds of IVF before her eldest was conceived.

“It was defeat after defeat, you know? It was a beast. …[I turned to work] to think about something else, to forget that I was not achieving what I really wanted to privately,” she explained.

Rose became a workhorse – demanding more from herself and her teammates after each miscarriage.

Every time I had a miscarriage, I came back to work earlier than my doctors recommended

“Every time I had a miscarriage, I came back to work earlier than what my doctors recommended because I had projects running and wanted to get back to work,” she said. “I also wanted to grieve as quickly as I could and thought I could [by going back to work quickly]. But I was just pushing the grief to a later [time]. Honestly, I didn't really take the time needed to accept what a miscarriage does to the body of a woman, what happens in the mindset of a woman, and what happens in a couple. It was really tough for me, but I thought that getting back to work would help.”

“[Looking back], my behavior was getting worse and worse. I wanted to deliver an outstanding performance. I'd always been demanding because I like things to be done on time, with the resources needed, and with good planning, but I was even more like this when I came back after each miscarriage. I gave 200 percent to forget what was happening.”

While Rose was unaware of her behavior change at the time, she was open about her fertility challenges with her team. She wanted to be transparent about what was happening so people would not question her commitment to her job. Interestingly though, few spoke with her about her health. Instead, they said nothing or they applauded her commitment to her job.

“After the first miscarriage, colleagues were sorry and showed empathy, but after the second, third, etc. never did say anything. Not ‘maybe your behavior is changing because of this’ or ‘you should be careful’, ‘you seem tired’… Never, never, never. And my colleagues were mostly women with kids and dads with small kids …However, my boss was really happy to have a lot of projects being achieved and being successful,” she remembered.

So, Rose kept working this way and did so until 2016. Because in 2016, Rose’s daughter was born.

“It was such a big achievement after all these years. After all these years, you know, it was really something,” she reflected.

Rose took almost six months of (paid) maternity leave (as she lives in a country that provides comprehensive maternal health support). When the time came to return to work, she was ready. But, on her first day back, Rose sensed something was off.

“The first day was very strange. I know because [after becoming a mom] you can feel things that you didn't before,” she recounted. “On the second day, I knew that they [the organization] didn't want me to be there any longer. It actually took less than one and a half days for me to understand that they wanted me out of the organization.”

"My boss asked me, 'When are you going to stop breastfeeding?'"

However, Rose was assigned to a big project before she gave birth and her team needed her to complete it.

“I worked on a very huge project before maternity leave that I knew I would have to deal with upon my return. I gave as much as I could even though my daughter was waking me five times every night and I was still breastfeeding,” she explained.

Still, more was demanded of her.

“My boss asked me, ‘When are you going to stop breastfeeding?’ [And told me], ‘you should stop.’ For him, I had done this for enough time [at six months], and he wanted me to work full time,” said Rose. “I had asked to work four days a week, which was perfect for me. But I was working, as many moms know, five days a week [in productivity] because I was working intensely and really efficiently.”

But still, they wanted more. So, Rose poured herself into the project. As she did, however, the “off” feeling she initially felt upon her return grew stronger. This was in large part because no one else on the team was communicating with her. Rose was regularly left out of meetings, left off emails, and left to work in silo.

It took more than two months for her boss to meet with her to discuss this feeling and her [new] responsibilities post-project. While unhappy about this, Rose was looking forward to the meeting. The big project had just ended, and Rose expected to be given new work and advice on how to improve for the next project as her client and stakeholders were happy with the work of the project and her part in it. Her boss, however, had different plans and used this meeting to ask Rose to resign.

“In my country, you are protected after coming back from maternity leave. [Moms] have one year of protection in the workforce where employers are unable to fire you unless something really bad happened,” explained Rose. “So the only way my boss could get me out of his organization was for me to resign. But I loved my job. I really liked it a lot, and I didn't want to leave.”

In an effort to stay, Rose sat down with her boss to understand why he wanted her to quit. The conversation turned into a 3.5 hour meeting with no breaks. During that time, she was given no water despite being a breastfeeding mom. Nor was she given a real explanation as to why they wanted her to resign.

“He [her boss] came back to different topics over and over and over again, without pinpointing what I was doing wrong in my job,” recalled Rose. “No specific things were given apart from the fact that my colleagues didn't want me to work with them. I told [my boss] I needed to understand if I had done something wrong but got nothing …[I’m pretty sure] something happened on maternity leave, but I didn't know what. I never got the answers [from him].”

After that meeting, Rose stopped coming into the office and hired a lawyer. While she could have sued (and people were encouraging her to do so), Rose didn’t want to. While it might have resulted in more money, something about it felt wrong. As a new mom, she didn’t want to spend her energy battling an organization that didn’t value her. So, instead of pushing for a trial, Rose’s lawyer crafted a settlement deal to end her contract with the organization. It took two months to broker the deal, but, finally, Rose and the organization agreed to a number and course of action. And just like that – a mom who was excited to get back to work left her organization four and a half months post-maternity.

- - -

If this ending of Rose’s feels abrupt, that’s because there is no happy ending here. At a job Rose secured just a few months later, her boss asked Rose whether or not she planned on having more kids in the interview. And on Rose’s first day, that same boss made an unfavorable remark about her getting pregnant. So, Rose quit within three days because she was no longer willing to feel bad about wanting a family.

All of that being true, I don’t want to leave this story on a negative note – even thought it would be easy to. Because this story is not only jarring as it, it’s made worse when you consider this all only happened five years ago. That being said, it’s not all gloom and doom out there. After all, Rose is doing well. And while her work story didn’t have a happy ending, she is happy now and has made a lot of peace with the above story and herself. And there are people and organizations out there doing work to make this world better for Rose and all moms. For a list, see below and consider getting involved because, together, we can change this world for the better.

• Parentaly (USA)

• Every Mother Counts (USA, Bangladesh, Guatemala, Haiti, Tanzania)

• Chamber of Mothers (USA)

• Marshall Plan For Moms (USA)

• March Of Dimes (USA)

• Make Mothers Matter (International)

• Parents@Work (Switzerland, Germany, France, Spain, South Africa)

• Eidgenossische Kommission Dini Muetter (Switzerland)

*About The Author

Meet Erica Ballard. A woman who thought pinstripe suits, a size 4 body, and a corner office were the markings of success. But, after chasing those things, Erica realized that none of that stuff would make her happy (like, really happy). Because, as it turns out, her version of success looked much different than what she was conditioned to believe it should look like. After accepting that truth and honoring her own, Erica now lives a life she loves and is on a mission to help other women do the same through life coaching, women-focused workshops, and social media. Learn more about her at www.iamericaballard.com.

Prior to this work, Erica spent ten years in the public health sector working for and with large non-profits, health systems, and Government agencies. She has a MS from Tufts University School of Medicine and a BA in Journalism from Indiana University. She received her CHC from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition and is certified in neuro-linguistic programming, EFT, hypnosis, and life and success coaching. Erica is CBS Denver’s Health and Wellness Contributor and is also a regular on CBS4 Indianapolis. She’s been featured in Forbes, Women’s Health, Yahoo Finances, among other publications. While a Hoosier at heart, Erica currently lives in Denver with her husband, daughter, and pup.